Balance

Finding balance, how easy/hard could it be? I've always wondered but never really grasped what it means. Looking at other people they always seem to be so well adjusted and happy knowing full well where they're going and what's important to them. Knowing who you are and what you want out of life, is that the answer? Is it being content with here and now? I also know that I don't know enough about most people to know whether they're happy or not, or to know how deep their wounds could be.

Always ending up with more questions than answers does not seem balanced to me. Maybe the idea is to be able to leave the q-s as is, content with not having an answer or knowing that the answer will be different on a day-to-day basis.

Thoughts lost

What makes a life? I've been wondering for a while now. Is it having a passion for something? Is it to spend days and days thinking about said passion and then write a blog about it for the rest of the world to see? Rest of the world is a loose term when it comes to blogs if you ask me since I imagine that the people reading a blog about any specified subject would be people who share that interest. I used to follow a blog about gaming for a while but it wasn't because I'm a gamer, at least not a gamers' definition of a gamer, it was more that I liked the writing itself. It was unpretentious and relaxed and I guess I like that.

I had more I wanted to write lasst night but it slipped away.

3 a.m. wake up.

Well, I managed to stay awake until about 6.30 last night. Sugar seemed to work this time, sugar and the 1st season of the Denis Leary show "Rescue me" on dvd. Great show, funny & serious as hell at times. I think dealing with lifes' tougher questions requires a fair amount of humor. Intelligent humor that is. Then I slept well for about nine hours, woke up at 3.15 this morning. Thought about going back to sleep but thinking about it I realised that I'm gonna need an early wake up to be able to fall asleep at a decent hour tonight so I got up and had breakfast and watched the final 2 episodes. Then I went to the gym for a workout which is always interesting that time in the morning. It works but it feels like more work than it does at say 2 p.m. Almost 9.30 now and I am already starting to feel my early wake-up. Gonna be a long day but after working out the pressure of doing something useful with my day is somewhat mitigated.
I wonder if that is what people mean when they are talking about having a life? I've never really felt like I had one. Don't know what it means even. Does anyone actually fill every minute of their day with stuff that carries meaning in any way? I doubt it but if there are people who do they should hold seminars on the subject. The seminar should start with a clear-cut definition of the word meaning, if there is a universal one which I doubt.

Can't go on now. I'd just tie myself up in something that I wouldn't be able to get out of... All questions no answers as always...

There we went again...

I've now gone about 17 hrs without sleeping. Planning on staying awake for another
9-10. I'll do this by inhaling sugar/fat and some kind of energy drink that has been labelled as unhealthy for youth. I'm not considered youth by any standard, except mentally and by myself. I don't feel old. Old people don't sleep much but they tend to at least have a rythm to it, such as going to sleep on a regular schedule and waking up ridiculously early. I do neither though I kinda wish I did. I'm not wishing I'd be older, just that I had some kind of sleeping arrangement that I'd be able to think and be somewhat normal. There I go again with the normal. Not knowing what it means makes it a blurry wish at best.
Another thing about sleeping/not sleeping the way I do is that it makes my decision making hazy. I buy crap I don't need, for instance tobacco through a site that I suspect got my bank card hijacked, or an antitrojan program because of being annoyed with the sounds my comp makes when I start it. Sounds like it's chewing away at something even though I'm not doing anything. Probably just me being computer illiterate but still it proves my point; Sleeping is actually quite good for decision making. Well, I'm off for the sugar.

Sleep well but not to much...

Well, I slept. Too much as it turns out. Off and on for at least 20 hrs. And now I'm supposed to go to bed again. I need that rythm in order to function as someone declaring themselves to be normal. Not that I know what normal means anyway, seems like a word used far too often to mean anyting at all to me. Anything considered normal by one can and will be considered strange or at least not normal by someone else. It's a strange world and there's not much about it that I'd claim to have fully grasped.
I thought I'd give an example here but nothing seems to come to mind. Guess I might as well go to bed. Too many questions, too tired to even think.Maybe that's a good thing considering me and my not sleeping.

Sleepless is more...

12.30 a.m.

I know I should be sleeping, even though I also know that I don't really need to get up tomorrow morning. I need to find a sleeping pattern that allows me to function. I also know that if I go to bed now I won't sleep, at least not for a few hours. I know this is not insomnia, but that is what I call it in lack of a better word. I do sleep, eventually. It's not as much sleeping itself that I have issues with it is more a matter of falling asleep. For some reason I can sit here trying to write something interesting about whatever and I can't find a single word. But as soon as my head hits that pillow and the tv's turned off my mind goes into high gear and not in any kind of organised or logical way. It just takes off, grabbing whatever's been stewing long enough in my subconsciousness. A lot of darkness, mixed with mindnumbing boredom, overwhelming sadness and sillyness. All in a mix, multiple thoughts invading each others space, never to reach any kind of conclusion or answer whatsoever. They disappear back into the darker more inaccesible corners of my mind to stew some more so they can return to haunt me another sleepless night. Unanswered and unbothered by being just that.

Well, here goes nothing. Good night!

Nya filmer jag sett nyligen:

Up: Disney/pixar myspys rulle om en gammal man som flyger iväg med sitt hus... Mysig i ordets mest positiva bemärkelse.

9: Mysig den med, också data-animerad, om ngn form av strumpdockor som fått liv av sin skapare...

500 Days of Summer: Suverän film, pratig kanske men det gillar jag. Handlar om en kille som träffar en tjej men ändå annorlunda. Bra skådisar.

Sen såg jag även nya terminator men var för trött för att den skulle vara intressant. Inget jag rekommenderar direkt.

Jahapp.

Då har jag skapat en blogg också. Nu ska jag bara komma på något att skriva om också... =)